For faith in football...

Thanksgiving #15


                This last Saturday we attended Samuel's last football game of the season.  This was his first year and I feared his last.  Ok, part of me would have sighed with relief had it been his last.  At least then I wouldn't have feared injury.  But more than physical wounds, I feared emotional or even spiritual injury.  I wondered how the smallest and most softly spoken kid on the field would fare with over a couple other dozen helmet and padded clad rambunctious boys(because boys are, they just are) pummeling him over and over.  Sometimes I wondered if they could even see him, let alone hear him.  But this last game drew a deep sense of pride from me as I heard other parents, his coaches, and even his teammates speak about Samuel or as they call him, Sammy.  Some even referred to him as Samson...the strongest man in the Bible.  They remarked about how fearless and fast he was.  They spoke of his demeanor and dedication.  What he lacked in size and stature, he more than made up in spirit and speed.  Samuel learned more than football this season.  He learned faith in team and force in spirit.  Grateful for the opportunities of growth I wouldn't have picked for myself...Thank you Jesus for your protection over Samuel.

For faith in family...

Thanksgiving #14

         As with every Sunday, with very few exceptions, we attend church.  But not only do we get to hear God's message to us, but we get fed with fellowship that is different from the typical "socializing".  There's a stark contrast between friendship within the "fold"and "friendship within the world.  You might hear friendship within the "fold" referred to as "fellowship"...it's deep and Divine.  We walked in late to church...ok, that's another story, and we were immediately greeted by family.  We turned the corner and we're embraced by another and the other turn welcomed us with more family.  These weren't unknown assigned greeters serving their role.  These were familiar, faithful friends we call "family".  I'm so grateful for faithful fellowship within our "family".

For time alone, together...

Thanksgiving #13

              Jean-Marc and I spent time alone again tonight.  We visited our favorite place in the Burbs...the kind of Pearl District joint but right here in our hood...Hall Street.  We rekindled memories in this sweet ol' place that's brewed many a memory.  We've given up long ago limiting our conversations to that which doesn't include the kids.  All the self-help advice and philosophy had got us to thinking a couple is just about a couple.  I realized we were more about the everything we've shared over the coarse of our time...including our precious "littles".  So, we talked and laughed it up and shared about our kids and even shared a very spicy, sassy, Spanish coffee.  I'm grateful for time alone reflecting on time we've shared with our littles.

For what I didn't think would happen in my lifetime...

Thanksgiving #12

             Today marked something I didn't think would happen...not in my lifetime.  My mom and I sat in Bible Study Fellowship this morning, side by side, each with Bible in lap.  You may not know history, at least mine, but this marked a remarkable milestone.  My mom stumbled through the Word and fumbled on the answers.  But I just had this urge to turn to her and hug her.  I was going to say that I'm grateful for Bible studies, church, and the book of Isaiah...but I have to say I'm filled with gratitude for my Mom....my precious Mom.

Sweet fellowship....

Thanksgiving #11

         Such a sweet time of fellowship this morning with my sweet friend and her sweet brood.  Today, my dear friend, Kari, and her precious children, Ethan (age 5), Reese (age 3), and Archer (age 1), blessed our day with their time and presence.  We spoke of many things from child rearing; dirty diapers and their frequency; busy, bustling boys, among other things; including the glory of God.  That family never ceases to amaze me with what they do and sacrifice for His kingdom.  Here is a family that loves the Lord with all of their hearts, souls, and strength.  It shows in their countenance, their walk, and they way they engage with the rest of the world.  So grateful for fellowship with His precious dear ones.  You love me so much that You would gift me with sweet fellowship...grateful!

For that which I take for granted...

Thanksgiving #10

              Today I watched a woman cross the road without the help of two legs.  She labored traffic in her wheel chair, and I wondered if she noticed the many stares as she passed by.  She carried her baggages on her lap and her countenance reflected a kind of weariness that reflected an arduous journey.   I am grateful for two legs that I have taken for granted and have tarried many a journey with and for me.  They have taken me places I couldn't have gone without them...through the streets and steps of Jerusalem, the cobbled stones of Rome, one of my favorites Champs Elysee, dirt paths in Manila and the creek sides of the bario in Binalonan.  I have walked the Via Dela Rosa in Israel...yes, the same dirt path Christ walked when He did with the Cross on his back during His ascent to Calvary.  I am grateful for these two legs.

Times of reconnecting...

Thanksgiving #9

        I'm completely grateful and thankful and blessed by date nights.  Tonight was such a night.  I'm convinced they don't happen nearly enough...but will they ever?

Simply girlfriends...

Thanksgiving #8

           Was just smiling at the phone conversation I just hung up from.  My dear friend from highschool...Lauren, called just to bless me.  No purpose other than to remind me she loved me.  People may say to yourselves, "Oh, how sweet" "That's so nice."  But you know what?  It's beyond sweet and nice...it's obedience and kindness and faithfulness.  Lauren got this prompting and she couldn't shake it off..."Call Jenni" it said.  So, she did.  And in kindness, because that's the kind of woman she is...a woman of noble character with the law of kindness on her tongue (Check out Proverbs 31...a cool read), spoke courage to me as she "encouraged" me.  And with love and faith, she voiced her love for one of her Father's own.  I'm so grateful for sisters in Christ.  Thank you Lauren.

For harrowing and heroic rescues...

Thanksgiving #7

Thankful for heroic and harrowing victories.  All 33 Chilean miners were lifted out of the depths of over a mile back onto the light of the surface after the stretch of 69 bleak and grievous days…not knowing if they would survive.  Rescue efforts were planned to have taken at least 4 months into Christmas.  But they were rescued before they expected and each man surprisingly recovered.  With the last man rescued, Chile broke out in song with Chile’s national anthem.  Car horns, church bells, and fire station alarms rang freedom, declaring liberty of the captive miners.  I’m thankful for God’s protective watch over every man…that HE reached down to the depths and pulled each one back up alive!!

Date nights

Thanksgiving #6

I’m so grateful and joyful over date nights…they are truly few and far between; a rare gem in long stretches of time within the season of  “littles” at home.  Thank you for those precious moments I can reconnect with my dear love and reflect on love…remembering is critical in sustaining relationship…remembering, reflecting, relationship.  And I love how we stumbled upon the local “place to be” with wonderful eats and cozy dining, not to mention the several neighbors we ran into.  What an endearing evening.

Sweet homecomings...

Thanksgiving #5

Yesterday, my sweet love came home after being gone for 4 days.  I’m grateful for sweet homecomings.  It’s hard to be apart, and difficult from the very start.  But it’s those sweet moments of “hello, again” that restore the time of separation.  

For bright, sunny skies...

Thanksgiving #4

Grateful for bright sunny days such as these…that bring light to those stale, dark places, warmth to the cold and damp, and hope to days that seemed hopeless.  Took my boys to the park today to run and challenge their bodies.  I always tell them fitness is often about being a wise and good steward of that which God has given us.  On the drive home, Daniel chirped gratefully, “Thank you for letting us run in the park today, Mommy.  You’re the best mommy!”  I’m grateful for his “grateful”!

First born sons

Thanksgiving #3

Thanking God for my children, but early this morning was struck with immense gratitude for my eldest, as he readied himself for school.  As I helped him pack a healthy snack, he  observed me in the kitchen and remarked, “I can tell how much you love me,” and then he smiled at me with that kind of smile he does when he’s filled, I mean really filled.  Well that just filled me, and I’m the one who’s still smiling, even after he’s been gone for a few hours.  Oh, I’m grateful for first born sons.

For listening hearts...

Thanksgiving #2

I give thanks for wise mentors and kind friends, who are one in the same.  My mentor, friend, confidant, and sounding board, Shauna Moon, came over tonight as she does once a month.  She is loyal and faithful.  I can always count on her to be here consistently and when she says she will be.  She has a listening heart and compassionate countenance…I can share my deepest depths.  I can’t help but be transparent with her…I can’t help but be grateful…

He is firm and still...

Taking captive your thoughts and yielding them to the will of God, not yours...involves focusing less on your own needs and more on the needs of others…means considering others over myself…diminishes self-absorption and breeds gratitude….These are the efforts made to combat depression....

Thanksgiving #1
I am grateful for my husband’s kindness and compassion during  bouts of anguish and heart ache…his careful listening and attentive heart…his soft whispers of comfort and firm grasp of embrace reminding me that although I am swirling in chaotic thoughts and mayhem, He is firm and still.  From depression to gratitude…

In the dark...

When darkness overtakes you…have you ever been depressed before?  Have you ever heard your voice say within you, “You’re not worthy?”  Have you ever thought of extinguishing your existence or walking in a hell that lived your worst nightmare because you believe that’s what you deserve?   Have you ever hurt the very people that you love the deepest because it brings you that much closer to death?   You know its not what you want for yourself or for them…the people you treasure the most…it’s like being in a snare…you know the kind that captures birds as they flee.

I’m spinning through each of these right now…because I’m suffering from the dark plague of “depression”.  I googled the symptoms today and discovered that many of them I own.  I’m actually pretty proud that I’m able to articulate this…like AA, it’s probably the first step…admitting the problem.  The opposite would be denial.  I know very little about depression, but I know it’s dark, evil, damp, and deep.  And, I’m caught up in its pungent mire.  I don’t know how to reach out for help or to claw my way out of these depths… I do know that there is only ONE that can reach down and scoop me out of my “own” deplorable leanings.  Will You hear my pleas and cries?  I’m told that You love me and that You created my very being…I’m thinking not to endure the very things I’m enduring right now but for a purpose I seem to have lost.  Can I find YOU again?

Here are some of the things that run through my mind and spirit?  Please don’t be shocked if you’ve had the blessing of never contending with “depression”, and please don’t judge my failings, weakness, and ailments.  I’m told that I shouldn’t be defined by them…so neither will I be judged by them… Here they are in their darkest form:

I’m nothing to be cherished or treasured.

No one treasures or cherishes me in the deepest way I long.

Since I’ve been born, no one in flesh has loved me in the way I’m marked as special.

Oh yes, I’ve been cared for, my basic needs and all, but not in a cherished way.

I’m dirty, deplorable, and dumb.

I’m not deserving.

I’m deeply longing.

I’m failing

I’m lost in a labyrinth of impurity.

I’m afraid I don’t feel forgiven.

And, I’ve not forgiven myself…and maybe not others who have hurt me deeply.

I’m filled with hate for others.

I only know how to love imperfectly…is that even love at all?

I’ve cried the deepest of oceans…the “wineskins” said to have collected my tears have broken long ago…there isn’t enough room for all that have streaked my cheeks.

I trust very few, if any.

I’ve failed at loving my family.

I’ve failed at being family.

I’ve failed at being mommy.

I’ve failed at being wife.

I’ve rejected love… and have I rejected God?

I’m frightened…and I’m afraid I’m alone…in the dark.