In the dark...

When darkness overtakes you…have you ever been depressed before?  Have you ever heard your voice say within you, “You’re not worthy?”  Have you ever thought of extinguishing your existence or walking in a hell that lived your worst nightmare because you believe that’s what you deserve?   Have you ever hurt the very people that you love the deepest because it brings you that much closer to death?   You know its not what you want for yourself or for them…the people you treasure the most…it’s like being in a snare…you know the kind that captures birds as they flee.

I’m spinning through each of these right now…because I’m suffering from the dark plague of “depression”.  I googled the symptoms today and discovered that many of them I own.  I’m actually pretty proud that I’m able to articulate this…like AA, it’s probably the first step…admitting the problem.  The opposite would be denial.  I know very little about depression, but I know it’s dark, evil, damp, and deep.  And, I’m caught up in its pungent mire.  I don’t know how to reach out for help or to claw my way out of these depths… I do know that there is only ONE that can reach down and scoop me out of my “own” deplorable leanings.  Will You hear my pleas and cries?  I’m told that You love me and that You created my very being…I’m thinking not to endure the very things I’m enduring right now but for a purpose I seem to have lost.  Can I find YOU again?

Here are some of the things that run through my mind and spirit?  Please don’t be shocked if you’ve had the blessing of never contending with “depression”, and please don’t judge my failings, weakness, and ailments.  I’m told that I shouldn’t be defined by them…so neither will I be judged by them… Here they are in their darkest form:

I’m nothing to be cherished or treasured.

No one treasures or cherishes me in the deepest way I long.

Since I’ve been born, no one in flesh has loved me in the way I’m marked as special.

Oh yes, I’ve been cared for, my basic needs and all, but not in a cherished way.

I’m dirty, deplorable, and dumb.

I’m not deserving.

I’m deeply longing.

I’m failing

I’m lost in a labyrinth of impurity.

I’m afraid I don’t feel forgiven.

And, I’ve not forgiven myself…and maybe not others who have hurt me deeply.

I’m filled with hate for others.

I only know how to love imperfectly…is that even love at all?

I’ve cried the deepest of oceans…the “wineskins” said to have collected my tears have broken long ago…there isn’t enough room for all that have streaked my cheeks.

I trust very few, if any.

I’ve failed at loving my family.

I’ve failed at being family.

I’ve failed at being mommy.

I’ve failed at being wife.

I’ve rejected love… and have I rejected God?

I’m frightened…and I’m afraid I’m alone…in the dark.