To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl

Why I will not recommend this book?

Although the authors love God and espouse only that which follows God’s Word, they add much that is manufactured through their own counsel and experience and that goes beyond what God says.  God commands that we do not add or subtract from His Word. (Deuteronomy 4:2)

Michael advises parents to spank on the legs.  (p. 62)   Although the Bible does not specify body part to be spanked, I myself, after prayerful reflection, believe that a child’s bottom is reserved for this type of discipline.  The spirit of the spanking is effectively conveyed in spanking the child’s bottom at the same time leaving pain that will smart temporarily and most likely not bruise.

            Michael Pearl also shares an example of disciplining a child but one that is not his.  He explained of a time that he and his wife, Debi, were watching children of other families.  (p. 68)   Debi employed spanking on one of the young boys for what she felt was defiance (not playing with a specific toy when instructed).  The scenario rang with a spirit of  “lording over another”, in this case, Debi “lording” over the child.  No where in the Bible does it encourage, instruct, or command others to discipline children other than their own.

Each time I read part of the book and put it down to tend to my own children, I felt a graceless spirit emerge.  My spirit would move to a hardened place that sought to uphold only rules, laws, and legalism with no concern for my children’s heart or character.  I felt the book throughout lacked grace in its teaching and even admitted that its intention and purpose was solely training and discipline and not character building.  (p. 5)  The two are not exclusive of each other and training with one (discipline) and not the other (character) is incomplete and rendered ineffective.

Michael Pearl also advises that if your child were “falsely accused and you have doubts about his guilt, you should determine that he has been falsely accused, tell him, and then quietly drop the matter.  Don’t let him see your defensiveness on his behalf.” (p. 85)  Something rings horribly wrong and ungodly, when you don’t uphold righteousness, whether for your child or another or anyone for that matter.  You are God’s ambassador and you must uphold righteousness.  “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves”  Proverbs 31… this may be even more applicable for children and especially those in your flock.  Allow your children to see that you seek truth in all things indiscriminately, including your own children!

Michael Pearl also encourages parents to spank at infancy. (pp. 84, 91) I do NOT know of anywhere in the Bible the Lord would command spanking at infancy.  Where spanking is spoken of, it references a child, NOT an infant.  I would NOT recommend spanking an infant for spanking is effective to the extent that a child understands the purpose and goal of training, discipline, and character.  A baby obviously, has NO understanding of such things yet.  In my understanding of God’s Word, spanking an infant goes beyond his Word.

The Pearls tactics in disciplining and training their children are questionable and bordering unethical.  The example of how Pearl taught his children to not play close to the water is one that should never be practiced by anyone.  In his attempt to teach his daughter, who was only 7 months old at the time, to keep away from the pond, Pearl allowed her to near the pond.   When she was close enough, he pushed her in… intentionally.  He “just nudged her with his foot.” (p. 70) He shares that even his wife “took several hours to begin breathing normally” after the event, probably from the shock of the training.  Although Pearl concludes that this illustration is not meant to be mimicked but to help describe the kind of training they practice, this training seems abusive and outrageous.

To Train Up a Child by Michael and Debi Pearl is a complete distortion of Scripture and is nothing short of abusive, “lording over” children, and ungodly.  Their faith and trust in God of the Bible is not in question, but their practice is.  And as teachers, such as the Pearls, they are under greater scrutiny and “judged more strictly”. (James 3:1)  This book should not be in publication or circulation for the many reasons mentioned.

                            

Heaven at Home by Ginger Plowman

This is a delightful read just in time for the summer by the same author of ‘Don’t Make Me Count to Three.  Ginger Plowman outlines practical ways moms can help effectively create a peaceful haven at home.  As Jesus promised to go and prepare a place for us in heaven, Ginger encourages moms that we can catch a glimpse of that right here in our homes.   Ginger speaks with godly insight and biblical wisdom underscoring the truth that a peaceful home is measured by the extent to which Christ reigns.

Plowman emphasizes how we glorify Christ through our role as a wife, mom, and keeper of the home.  You see it is mom that sets the ambiance of the home...to establish her domain as peaceful and one that radiates Christ and reflects heaven.

The first truth Ginger shares is how we, as moms, relate to our Heavenly Father because that is where it should start in our home.  She suggests the following ways to draw from the Lord throughout our day:

• Begin with small goals with little devotionals or quick Bible studies
• Have devotion time when you will not be interrupted.  Jesus gave us an example of choosing a good time from his own life when He woke up very early in the morning, while it was still dark.  (Mark 1:35)  Incidentally, the wife in Proverbs 31 also woke up early ‘while it was still dark”.  I wonder if she was having her quiet “devotional” time. 
• Be flexible if you have a baby.  You can place all the Bibles you own in different rooms of the house, and have them opened up so that you can snack on God’s Word throughout the day as you move from room to room.  A little snacking can prevent starvation as you wait for opportunities to feast. 
• Be in constant fellowship with God.  As it says in 1 Thessalonians 5:17, “pray continually” throughout your day.  You don’t have to close your eyes.

Ginger also suggests noble ideas for serving in your role as a wife.

·      Be a good steward in the financial affairs of your home

·      Prepare for your husbands arrival.  Nothing builds security in the heart of a child more than the assurance that Mom and Dad love each other.

·      Give your husband time to unwind after he gets home.

·      Remember to encourage your husband.  When Ginger surveyed 100 husbands, she discovered that 72% said that words of encouragement and appreciation and encouraging notes make them feel loved.  30% of the husbands said that they like to see their wives’ smile.  You see a peaceful home is a place not void of conflict but where conflict is resolved calmly with an unselfish consideration for the other person.

Ginger describes the peaceful home as being one where unity prevails…in your marriage as you allow your husband to lead, amongst your children, with your in-laws, and with your friends.   She offers wonderful ideas in cultivating unity amongst siblings.  As moms, we need to understand that God gave our children “best friends” right in our own families.

You will also find some easy home ideas to help structure your day in attempts to keep order in your home.  Please understand that some of these ideas are not Biblical mandates but just helpful suggestions from one mom to another.  She outlines separate ideas for infants, toddlers, and preschool aged children.  Ginger even discusses the importance of hospitality, opening your home to others that God might be glorified.  There is a big difference between entertaining and hospitality.  We ought to “practice hospitality” (Romans 12:13) as the early Church demonstrated.  Entertaining focuses on things (condition of house, food, convenience).  Hospitality focuses on people and ministering to one another.  Creating a peaceful home helps us to practice hospitality.   Remember it is Christ who is the Giver of Peace and the Prince of Peace.  He establishes your home peaceful.

Parenting the Way God Parents by Katherine Koonce

          
            Nothing has drawn me deeper into surrender and dependency on God than being a parent.  Unfortunately, when I parent, I naturally gravitate toward what I learned or inherited when my parents parented me.  If I don’t consciously decide to focus on how God would have me parent, I may find myself “recycling” the same parenting approach of my parents…whether good or bad.  I’ve realized that I can’t do this parenting thing, or at least do it well, without God. 

Katherine Koonce, child development and learning specialist, reminds us that the best way is God’s way in her book Parenting the Way God Parents.  There are many aspects of our family heritage that we can pass down to our children.  Koonce challenges readers to take an inventory of those aspects of your heritage that God would have you pass to your children and those aspects that you should leave behind such as generational sin.  In my case, the Lord has convicted me of the generational sin of anger.  Koonce defines “excellence” in the way God defines it, giving parents a greater focus in how to parent their children.  It is tempting to define excellence by worldly standards and then to impose that onto our children.  I love the way Katherine distinguishes the difference between excellence and perfection.  She says “while it is possible to reach excellence…it is not possible to reach perfection.  When we lead children to believe that perfection is their goal, we guarantee that they will fail.  Perfection is like north.  You can head north, but you will never reach north.  North is a direction, not a destination.”

               Koonce also discusses the problem with striving for perfection.  Children who expect perfection of themselves or believe that their parents expect it of them, will eventually stop trying to measure up because no one can ever measure up to such a standard.  The risk is underachievement for children who expect perfection.  They often avoid trying new things or pursuing anything with energy.  Katherine also warns parents about  “how to exasperate a child.”  While it is important to teach our children that “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might” (Ecclesiastes 9:10),  we must not set our standards so high that we are never or rarely pleased.  Koonce believes that “we exasperate them when all their mistakes are met with corrections.”  She suggests that “whatever the range, leave a little room at the top for the child to wow us with better-than-required work.  Never tell a child that you expect all A’s…because even if he makes a 99 on a test, he’s still done no better than expected.  Rather, if his range is low B to mid A and he earns a 99, then he has performed above expectations and it’s time to dole out some praise!”

Parenting the Way God Parents will also help you:

• Discern valid rights from selfish wants for your children in this age of entitlement
• Be prepared for anger, and help your children prepare for it too
• Take an active, prayerful role in seeking God’s vision for your family
• Focus on shaping your children’s hearts, not just their behavior

              Katherine Koonce also delves into the subjects of abundance with our children, lessons of choices, devotion, disappointment, charity and generosity, patience, and mercy.  For most of us, we live a life of abundance relative to the rest of the world.  Koonce encourages us to teach our children that “part of living in abundance is knowing when you have had enough.”   It important to be a good steward of what the Lord has blessed us with remembering that “God is the Provider of everything.”  That means that if we have not used what we have been blessed with to advance God’s kingdom or benefit others within His kingdom, we have misused what we have been given.  You can encourage and teach your children by asking them:

• What earthly possessions or gifts has God given them?
• In what ways can they use those gifts to bless others?
• In what ways do their gifts get in the way of blessing others?

              One of my favorite chapters in Parenting the Way God Parents discusses patience in the parent and children.  Patience is one of the greatest ways to model the love of the Father to our children.  Katherine states, “If we love someone, we must adopt a posture of patience.”  She reminds parents that we cannot teach our children patience if we are not pursuing it ourselves.  Think about the times when you lack patience with your children, then take them straight to the Father.  Are they times when you are in a hurry or when your children are acting childishly?  Katherine offers practical ways in addressing your patience and fostering that virtue in your children.

        Parenting the Way God Parents is the parenting approach that embraces child rearing from an eternal perspective.  Katherine Koonce offers much wisdom and insight and encourages parents to draw near to our Heavenly Parent.  And, remember His promise that as we draw near to Him, He draws near to us.  There is no greater calling on us parents than to model God the Father before our children.

 

The Minivan Years by Olivia Bruner

         I picked up this hilarious book because, although I do not drive a minivan but a Suburban...same thing...the title describes the years I happen to be  enjoying or enduring this very season.  Author, Olivia Bruner, serves on the faculty of the Center for Strong Families, is also a co-founder of the Heritage Builders Association, and a frequent guest on Focus on the Family.

        As parents we may often make mistakes and wonder if our children will turn out ok.  She reminds us that even with the Perfect Parent, our Father in Heaven, His children stumble, fall, and fail at times.  So, if a Perfect Parent like God encounters mishaps with His children, we are in good company.  As you display grace for others, extend grace to yourself as well.

        Every mother needs to come to a place of recognizing that her children are not, in fact, her children.  They are God’s.  We only have the privilege of nurturing, caring, training, teaching, and loving them only for a time, but we do not own them.  God wired us with an instinct to care and protect these young toward life, but not worry ourselves to death over them. 

        A study from Columbia University reported that children who had dinner with their parents fewer than three times a week were more likely to smoke, drink, or use drugs than children who had dinner with their parents five to seven times a week.  Endeavor to spend as many meals with your children as possible....breakfast, lunch, or even a snack served at the table.  It doesn’t have to be dinner.  Play “high/low” around a meal.  Each family member describes their “high” for that day, their favorite part of the day, as well as their “low”, their not so favorite.  This activity can serve as an opportunity to gain further insight into your children’s heart...exposing their joys, fear, or struggles.  It also gives you a chance to encourage and intervene in prayer for your children.

        Give highlight to answered prayers.  Our children may see us pray at meal times, pray at bed times, and pray at times of great need.  Give them a chance to see and know how God’s work in those prayers by sharing how God has answered them.

        As soon as your children begin sleeping through the night, set your alarm clock for at least thirty minutes before they wake up to prepare for the day.  Use the time to review schedules, goals for the day, pray, and read your Bible.  Like those who work in jobs outside of the home prepare ahead of time for the work before them, let us endeavor to prepare well for our days.  Remember do not be legalistic if it doesn’t work that you arise before the first child does.

        Remember to enjoy these “enduring” days with children at home...ok, easily said than done when you’re in the midst of it.   Right?  Everyday is challenging when you have young children at home, but know that circumstance cannot steal from the truly happy or give to the truly miserable.  Neither depends on the proximity to pleasure, health, or money.  They depend on their proximity to God.  Schedule “fun days” or “date nights” with your children.  Or be spontaneous by making chocolate chip pancakes one morning or playing Monopoly after school.

        It’s never too early to begin modeling or teaching your children about handling money.  God encourages us to be good stewards with all that He blesses us.  Teach your children the same.  You can find helpful tools in teaching children money management by visiting www.crown.org and www.daveramsey.com.

        Establish your home as a safe place for every family member to be their “own”...free of judgement, teasing, or harassment.  Establish rules or safe guards from “put-downs in jest” or rude comments.  Allow your children to view home as a heavenly refuge on this side of heaven.

       When you discover or catch your child doing something wrong, watch your reaction.  Learn to expect your children to sin.  They will...we all do.  It is important to be firm in discipline but be careful to show grace in the moment of discovery.  Remain calm and instruct your child on why what he or she did was wrong and assign the appropriate consequence.  Remember that sinful behavior is the result of our human condition.

Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes in You and Your Kids by Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller

         This is a practical and reasonable book about the virtue of honor and how it affects your children’s attitudes and behavior.  Honor is acting and talking in a manner that pleases others, even when they are not around.  Honor considers the needs of others, not just your own.  It reflects the heart of God and glorifies His name. 

Scott Turansky reminds parents that it is important for children to learn to give up their agendas and follow instructions...and, yes, even when they don’t want to.  Turansky advises that children who haven’t learned how to obey should be given fewer choices.  Obedience does not have to hinge on understanding, but it is what the Lord commands(Ephesians 6:1). 

The authors coach parents in teaching their children healthy dialogue such as what they refer to as the “Wise Appeal.”  The Wise Appeal says, “I understand that you want me to…because…But I have a problem with that because…Could I please…?”  It is practical application that makes this book so helpful even after reading a few chapters. 

Here are some examples of the practical ideas you will find in this book:

• End each day on a positive note with your children
• Teach your children to treat people as special.  For example, how people are greeted when they come in the door is very important.  The first thing they see and hear is an opportunity to show honor.
• Teach children to do more than what’s expected in what they have been asked to do.
• Deal with the bad attitudes.  Discipline them for attitude problems not just behavior.
• Teach them to listen to others with both eyes.
• Model it...Be what you want them to be.
•  Appeal to their conscience.  Tell your children how God might feel when they sin.

This book emphasizes that honor-based solutions within your family are a reflection of the Lord and provide opportunities to display and express love to others.

“By this, all men will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”  

John 13:35

Don't Make Me Count to Three by Ginger Plowman

This straightforward, direct, and even funny book offers practical application of the Scriptures to parenting.  If “Shepherding a Child’s Heart” imparts the doctrine behind godly parenting, “Don’t 
Make Me Count to Three!” gives the practical application of the values taught in “Shepherding a Child’s Heart”.

We should expect a godly standard for our children, anything short of this would be unfair to the 
great calling that the Lord has assigned us as parents.  The standard should be obedience “all the 
way, right away, and with a joyful heart.”  Remember partial obedience is not obedience at all 
and delayed obedience is really disobedience.  And inward obedience is just as important as 
outward obedience…a joyful heart.

Ginger Plowman discusses ways that we, as mommies, can deal with the frustrations that come up 
in parenting our precious little ones.  She offers 6 guidelines when meting out discipline and dealing 
with our own anger or frustration:

1.    Examine your motives: “Am I disciplining my child because my will has been violated or 
     God’s will has been violated?  Am I correcting my child because he has sinned against God 
     or because his behavior has caused me some personal discomfort, embarrassment, or trouble?

2.    Examine your approach: Have I provoked my child in some way?  What is my example for 
     my child, even when I am disciplining him/her? 

3.    Choose the right time and place.  Do not embarrass your child.  He will be more attentive to 
     your instructions if he is not embarrassed because of being reproved in front of his friends.  
     When you reprove your child in front of others, you take his/her focus off of the sin of his/her 
     heart and onto the embarrassment and humiliation that you have unnecessarily caused him/her. 
     Your goal is not to embarrass him/her but to bring him/her to repentance.  Incidentally, I also 
     choose not discipline my four boys in front of each other for the same reason of preserving
     their dignity and their trust in me.

4.    Choose the right words.  Be careful even when disciplining or reproving that your words are 
     loving not insulting.  For example, don’t substitute “You are being disrespectful” with “You 
     are acting like an ugly brat”

5.    Choose the right tone of voice.  Make sure that your voice is not above normal tone of voice 
     and with carefully measured words…yes, even when they frustrate you.  I make it a point to 
     even lower my voice to a level below normal that I may insure self-control and not anger.

6.    Be prepared to suggest a biblical solution to your child.  We quickly inform our children when 
     and what they are doing wrong.  But we should also suggest a way they could have done it differently.  We can tell our children what to put off(sinfulness) but we must remember that 
     it is even more important to tell them what to put on(righteousness).  We need to train them in 
     how to replace the wrong behavior with the right behavior.   1 Corinthians 10:13 says that when 
     you are tempted: “God is faithful, He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear.  
     But when you are tempted, He will provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.”  As 
     a rule, anytime you correct your child for wrong behavior, have him walk through right 
     behavior.  This is how we train our children to walk in the righteous of Christ.

Remember when you discipline your child what your ultimate goal is.  J.C. Ryles says, “Train with 
this thought continually before your eyes: The soul of your child is the first thing to be considered.  
In every step that you take about them, in every plan and scheme and arrangement that concerns 
them, do not leave out that mighty question, ‘How will this affect their souls?’  Our ultimate goal 
in everything should be to point them to Christ.”