Sweet homecomings...

Thanksgiving #5

Yesterday, my sweet love came home after being gone for 4 days.  I’m grateful for sweet homecomings.  It’s hard to be apart, and difficult from the very start.  But it’s those sweet moments of “hello, again” that restore the time of separation.  

For bright, sunny skies...

Thanksgiving #4

Grateful for bright sunny days such as these…that bring light to those stale, dark places, warmth to the cold and damp, and hope to days that seemed hopeless.  Took my boys to the park today to run and challenge their bodies.  I always tell them fitness is often about being a wise and good steward of that which God has given us.  On the drive home, Daniel chirped gratefully, “Thank you for letting us run in the park today, Mommy.  You’re the best mommy!”  I’m grateful for his “grateful”!

First born sons

Thanksgiving #3

Thanking God for my children, but early this morning was struck with immense gratitude for my eldest, as he readied himself for school.  As I helped him pack a healthy snack, he  observed me in the kitchen and remarked, “I can tell how much you love me,” and then he smiled at me with that kind of smile he does when he’s filled, I mean really filled.  Well that just filled me, and I’m the one who’s still smiling, even after he’s been gone for a few hours.  Oh, I’m grateful for first born sons.

For listening hearts...

Thanksgiving #2

I give thanks for wise mentors and kind friends, who are one in the same.  My mentor, friend, confidant, and sounding board, Shauna Moon, came over tonight as she does once a month.  She is loyal and faithful.  I can always count on her to be here consistently and when she says she will be.  She has a listening heart and compassionate countenance…I can share my deepest depths.  I can’t help but be transparent with her…I can’t help but be grateful…

He is firm and still...

Taking captive your thoughts and yielding them to the will of God, not yours...involves focusing less on your own needs and more on the needs of others…means considering others over myself…diminishes self-absorption and breeds gratitude….These are the efforts made to combat depression....

Thanksgiving #1
I am grateful for my husband’s kindness and compassion during  bouts of anguish and heart ache…his careful listening and attentive heart…his soft whispers of comfort and firm grasp of embrace reminding me that although I am swirling in chaotic thoughts and mayhem, He is firm and still.  From depression to gratitude…

In the dark...

When darkness overtakes you…have you ever been depressed before?  Have you ever heard your voice say within you, “You’re not worthy?”  Have you ever thought of extinguishing your existence or walking in a hell that lived your worst nightmare because you believe that’s what you deserve?   Have you ever hurt the very people that you love the deepest because it brings you that much closer to death?   You know its not what you want for yourself or for them…the people you treasure the most…it’s like being in a snare…you know the kind that captures birds as they flee.

I’m spinning through each of these right now…because I’m suffering from the dark plague of “depression”.  I googled the symptoms today and discovered that many of them I own.  I’m actually pretty proud that I’m able to articulate this…like AA, it’s probably the first step…admitting the problem.  The opposite would be denial.  I know very little about depression, but I know it’s dark, evil, damp, and deep.  And, I’m caught up in its pungent mire.  I don’t know how to reach out for help or to claw my way out of these depths… I do know that there is only ONE that can reach down and scoop me out of my “own” deplorable leanings.  Will You hear my pleas and cries?  I’m told that You love me and that You created my very being…I’m thinking not to endure the very things I’m enduring right now but for a purpose I seem to have lost.  Can I find YOU again?

Here are some of the things that run through my mind and spirit?  Please don’t be shocked if you’ve had the blessing of never contending with “depression”, and please don’t judge my failings, weakness, and ailments.  I’m told that I shouldn’t be defined by them…so neither will I be judged by them… Here they are in their darkest form:

I’m nothing to be cherished or treasured.

No one treasures or cherishes me in the deepest way I long.

Since I’ve been born, no one in flesh has loved me in the way I’m marked as special.

Oh yes, I’ve been cared for, my basic needs and all, but not in a cherished way.

I’m dirty, deplorable, and dumb.

I’m not deserving.

I’m deeply longing.

I’m failing

I’m lost in a labyrinth of impurity.

I’m afraid I don’t feel forgiven.

And, I’ve not forgiven myself…and maybe not others who have hurt me deeply.

I’m filled with hate for others.

I only know how to love imperfectly…is that even love at all?

I’ve cried the deepest of oceans…the “wineskins” said to have collected my tears have broken long ago…there isn’t enough room for all that have streaked my cheeks.

I trust very few, if any.

I’ve failed at loving my family.

I’ve failed at being family.

I’ve failed at being mommy.

I’ve failed at being wife.

I’ve rejected love… and have I rejected God?

I’m frightened…and I’m afraid I’m alone…in the dark. 

Proverbs continued in the "gentle and quiet spirit"

We have discovered the portrait of this Proverbs 31 woman, understanding her prayerfulness and the emphasis on her relationship with the Lord....knowing that it isn’t about all that she does and accomplishes.  Like what Pastor Bill said, “You don’t want the unimportant things to mean too much and the most important things to mean too little.”  The most important thing being our relationship with the Lord not what the house looks like and how orderly it appears or the food that’s served and how organic it is or the money that’s saved and how many coupons you’ve used.. In fact, Mathew 6:25 says, “do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear...Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own.”  And in that same passage Mathew 6:33, God again reinforces the important thing... our relationship with Him when He says, “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be given to you as well.”  He promises that He takes care of us as we take care to seek Him.

But I don’t want to discount the many great and wonderful things that Proverbs 31 woman has done...as we discovered she provides food for her family and provides it well, raised children that rose and called her blessed, a savvy business lady, disciplined and trained children wisely and with faithful instruction, and balanced all this with strength, dignity, and laughter and we know from Proverbs 31:27 she “kept watch over the affairs of her household” with a godly sense of order.  She has done many things and many things well or many women have done many things for she is a composite of many different women.   But not one single woman has done all things at one time.  In God’s order, he has ordered things in seasons, by HIS design, for many reasons... to magnify HIS splendor, to deepen our gratitude...how grateful we are for the rains when we’ve had stretches of endless scorching days of heat(which rarely happens in Portland, I know) or how grateful we are for the least bit of the sun’s rays when we’ve had endless, unceasing days of rain(which does happen often in Portland)...So His seasons, then reflect His glory and splendor, deepen our gratitude, but they also give us hope as we realize as it says in Ecclesiastes 3:1 that there is “a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven” and that some things will pass into the next as do the seasons.  

But there are some things that do not pass through the seasons or at least, their importance doesn’t and they are seasonless.  One being her relationship with the Lord...that’s an important thing and a seasonless thing, and the other being her relationship with her husband.  Yes, we spoke about many of her attributes and qualities that are irrespective of her marital status, but once married, she is faithful to reflect her faithfulness in Christ in her faithfulness to her husband... in many ways, and I’m not talking in the just “sticking it out with him" way.  

Proverbs 31: 10-12: “A wife of noble character who can find?  She is worth far more than rubies.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.  She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”  All the days of her life...that means that does not move with the seasons.  It goes all the days of her life.  And it was no mistake that those 6 words were included, “all the days of her life” distinguishing that some things are within season and some are seasonless.  Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value... what are those things that our husbands value.  We should offer them to him as part of our ministry to the Lord...”serving him as if we were serving the Lord.”  Colossians 3:23   Respect being one of the first things.  “the wife must respect her husband.”  Ephesians 5:33...and there is no “disclaimer” excluding those husband that you may deem disrespectable or any “opt out clause” for husbands that we feel don’t deserve our respect.  It simply says “the wife must respect her husband.”  This may be difficult for some for many reasons.  I won’t begin to say that I can understand your relationship with your husband or the kind of man he is or better yet, the kind of man you think he should be and isn’t.  God simply says, “the wife must respect her husband.”  And how ever that may look like within your marriage, is by God’s design.  You can seek wisdom from Him on this through His word, godly counseling, mentors, encouragers.  But do not stop seeking ways to respect him.  And yes, even if He does not believe.  

Some of you know that I married an unbeliever.  1 Peter 3:1 “Wives, in the same way, be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they maybe won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.”  There it is again... an emphasis on our relationship with the Lord... by the words “the purity and reverence of our lives.”  Then it goes on to say, “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.  Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.”  

You know I’m humbled, greatly by this sharing... and I hated the thought of sharing on these passages at this time.  For the great and most part, my husband and I enjoy a deep and intimate fellowship that’s light and fun much of the time but deeply romantic at the same time.  But just this weekend, I struggled in being that “gentle and quiet spirit” and in my pride I think I was more of a “rough and loud spirit”   Oh, I didn’t have to raise my voice to him.  My spirit did that for me, and my husband heard it loud and clear.  What did it look like?  Well, it wasn’t that pretty... you saw it in my countenance, my tone, my inflections, and my stance.  You see,  the words “Ok, I’ll do what you want me to do... you are the head of the house!!”  “I care about you and you doing the right thing for our boys!”  Really?  Well that so called “care” is just so well, not caringly said.  He smiled and I knew he caught saw my spirit that was anything other than “gentle and quiet.”  

When I shared with my husband what I would be sharing with my class, his eyes filled with the gloss of tears.  He whispered, “Jenni, you have to remember it was that ‘gentle and quiet spirit’ that aided me to believe one day”...there were many things that helped him along the way but the biggest thing was the Holy Spirit.  And he could only hear the Spirit when mine was “gentle and quiet.”  You see, my husband is a a man through and through.  And, He doesn’t want to be led by a domineering wife, I believe that no man does.  

We talked about Proverbs 31: 27 “She watches over the affairs of her household”  And Dayna shared in such a way that keep the right order of things.  For God is a God of order...1 Corinthians 14:33 “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace”.... His Order is God, first, husband second, children, third... by the way, your children should never upsurp the order that rightfully belongs to God.  And they should never upsurp the order that rightfully belongs to your husband.  I’ve often seen families where children came before all, and that’s when the family risks a fall.  

I encourage you to nurture your relationship with the Lord first and husbands second.  Nurture your relationship with your husband in many ways... yes, as many counsel, date or court your husband.  But you don’t have to leave your home or plan a special date to nurture your husband or even spend money.  You can nurture your relationship in the every day without leaving your home or spending a dime.  Here are some of the ways I have chosen to nurture my marriage in the "everyday":

1. Greet your husband when he comes home with a warm hello, I love you, and strong embrace.
2. Pray for your husband every day, throughout the day.
3. Ask your husband how you can be praying for him each morning.
4. Hold hands in bed.
5. Support and uphold him in front of the children.
6. Praise him in front of others including his own friends.
7. Praise him in front of his own children, even when he’s not there.
8. Dream about him...talk about his ambitions, goals, and visions.  
9. Allow him to protect you- hide in his chest during a tense scene in a movie.
10. Make your bed everyday.
11. Take the tv out of your bedroom.
12. Keep fresh flowers in your room next to your bedside.
13. Keep your room tiday and preserve the sanctity of your bedroom.
14. Fold his socks and underwear neatly.
15. Use terms of endearment to address each other.  This becomes such a habit that it even shows up in arguments.
16. Write love letters and mail them to him at work or at home.
17. Leave post it with love notes in places he’ll find later
18. Tell him how amazingly sexy he is.... and I can go more on this, but I’ll stop there.